I have never been particularly happy with my appearance, but especially now I am desperately unhappy with the weight I've put on. I have tried to accept myself and learn to love the curves I have developed, but it has not worked. I look at previous photos of me and I miss the way I used to look. I eat and feel guilty. I look in the mirror and feel like crying. I cannot see who I truly am. These are all thought patterns that need to be rewired in my brain. I don't judge anyone the way that I judge myself so this is something that I would like to work on.
Yes, I would like to lose weight, but I don't need to hate myself in the process. I want to be healthy and happy and not live with this obsessive need to rip myself apart. It isn't right and it never has been. I think I've always thought that if I didn't like how I looked that it would keep me from ever coming across as egotistical (as dumb as that sounds). So now I want to choose to be kind to myself and focus on leading a healthier lifestyle. I don't want to make it a goal to lose weight, but I want to make eating right a priority and exercise part of my lifestyle (once I'm out of this cast). I think the void I sometimes feel comes from not loving myself and that needs to change.
(photos on the left are past photos and photos on the right are current)