I don't know if I'll ever be ready to write about what I'm going to be writing about, but here it goes. I'll be sharing the story of my first kiss, what led up to it, and the aftermath. It is not a pleasant story and nothing that I'm proud of.
It all started when I was working at a pet store and developed a crush on a fellow employee. At this time I was young and naive. Looking back, I realize how led on and manipulated I was but unfortunately I did not know this at the time. The other party involved (who will remain nameless) ended up flirting with me heavily even though he had a girlfriend at the time. Eventually, he told me that they just weren't working out, fought all the time, etc. etc.
One night he texted me while drunk and told me he loved me and wanted to move in with me. My young and naive heart had no idea what to make of this. Having never had a boyfriend, I was scared yet glued to my phone. The next day he showed up getting dropped off by what I thought to be his ex. I was devastated to say the least. I was nauseous with a pit in my stomach and asked my boss to go home early. I drove home in tears. I had thought that this guy had actually realized he loved me and was done with his ex. But no.... Situations like this became a regular occurrence and my emotions were in turmoil.
Eventually he did break up with her for real and that led to my first kiss, which makes me cringe to this day. It happened in the animal wellness room during one of my work shifts, which is embarrassing enough on it's own. I didn't expect it at all. He just came in, shut the door and did it. It felt cold on my lips, like a snake. I hated it and stood there shaking. I didn't realize that this was not a normal response. On later occasions he would try and hold me still or in place in order to try to kiss me, while I struggled to get away. This was not professional at all and that made me feel even worse.
He also would tell me things such as "you have to do things to keep me entertained" or "any guy that watches porn is going to expect you to do certain things". There was so much pressure to behave a particular way. It took me so long to understand that the things he was telling me were not true or fair. I became intensely depressed and spent a lot of nights drinking alone in my room (note: I do not drink anymore). I was also going through a bunch of health issues at this time which made me very vulnerable to what he was telling me.
The darkest point here was when he convinced me to come over to his apartment and for the first time, I lied to my family about where I was. I can't even say what compelled me to do as he asked but I should have known better. I won't go into further details of what happened in the apartment because it still haunts me and I wish I could take it back.
It became increasingly difficult for me to make it through my work shifts and I knew this could not keep going on. I broke down to my sister and explained what had been happening and she helped me come to the decision that I needed to transfer stores. So I did, which is where I unknowingly met the love of my life.
I look back at all this and I cry for my younger self to be more aware and to realize that there was never going to be a happy ending there for me. At times I wish this wasn't part of my story, but I know that I never would have met my husband if it weren't for this situation...
Now I don't want to end this saying that "woe is me" and I had it so bad. I want to say that this was hard on me, but I have moved on from it and moved forward. I am so thankful for my husband and how honest and trustworthy he is. I know he would never hurt me and how we came to be is my favorite love story. But I will save that for another time.